Now that John McCain has chosen an edgy mama to be his running mate, I have to ask: Why not me?
Sarah Palin and I are similar in some ways. We’re both 44-year-old moms. We both have journalism degrees. We both wear smart-girl glasses. Though I’m not a former beauty queen like Palin, I’m decent-looking. As we all know, being easy on the eyes smoothes the path to the White House.
And she’s not a whole lot more qualified than I am to be second in command of the free world. Yes, Palin was mayor of a town of 6,500 people in Alaska. That’s comparable to being mayor of Brevard. Me? I was communications director for a school and in regular contact with 7,000-plus constituents. Oh yeah, and I was the first female president of my class in high school.
As Fox News host Steve Doocy notes, Palin has foreign-policy experience because her state’s near Russia. Dude, I grew up in Georgia, which is kind of close to Mexico. Does that count as international relations experience?
Way to go, McCain. Of course, I love the idea of a mom being in such a position of power, though I’d prefer a mom in the No. 1 spot. Just not Palin.
Because, ultimately, I think I’d be better for America than Ms. Palin. Here’s why:
First of all, Palin likes to shoot moose and caribou. I recently had to euthanize a baby bird that my cat injured. I cried. Also, Palin thinks that listing polar bears as a threatened species could hurt oil and gas development in the bears’ habitat. I think polar bears should be protected, particularly from oil-drilling interests. Imagine starving, baby polar bears listlessly dragging themselves across melting ice. Not a good mental image when you’re about to pull that voting lever.
Next, Palin’s pro-life. I’m pro-choice.
That said, Palin and I do agree on one thing. She and her snowmobiling spouse chose not to abort their Down-syndrome fetus. I also decided while pregnant that, if I was blessed with a child with Down syndrome, I’d embrace bringing that baby into the world. Guess what, folks? Abortion’s not a political decision; it’s a personal one.
Also, Palin doesn’t think that humans are a cause of today’s climate instability. I say, “The Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which includes some of the most overeducated scientists on the planet, say they are 90 percent sure that human-produced greenhouse emissions are the primary cause of earth’s temperature increases.” Seems like pretty high odds to me. Sarah, you should come to Asheville and take Enviro-spouse’s course at UNCA. He’d set you right about climate science.
Palin wants creationism and abstinence-only sex education taught in schools. Edgy Mama, beneficiary of late 20th-century scientific training, may have to bite the bullet and home school her kids if Palin has any influence on the public-school systems. Unfortunately, I can’t home school your kids, too.
Also, Palin’s supposedly been involved with the Alaska Independence Party. The primary goal of this group is to secede the state of Alaska from the United States. Wow. I’m a fifth-generation Southerner, but I don’t wander around town with H.K. Edgerton, waving a Confederate flag. Sure, I support his right to do so, but I’m not going to help him carry the thing.
Finally, Palin did something Edgy Mama would never do: she named her youngest child, Trig Paxson Van Palin, in homage to the band Van Halen. Van Halen rocks, and although I prefer AC/DC when we’re talking ‘80s hair bands, I would have named the kid Trig Dylan Palin. Not as alliterative, but listen here:
Van Halen lyric: “But ev’rybody wants some/I want some too/Ev’rybody wants some/Baby, how ‘bout you?”
Bob Dylan lyric: “Oh, what did you see, my blue-eyed son? Oh, what did you see, my darling young one? I saw a newborn baby with wild wolves all around it/ I saw a highway of diamonds with nobody on it/ I saw ten thousand talkers whose tongues were all broken/ I saw guns and sharp swords in the hands of young children/ And it’s a hard, and it’s a hard, it’s a hard, it’s a hard/ And it’s a hard rain’s a-gonna fall.”
Have I made my case?
Wouldn’t you rather have a Dylan-spouting, animal-loving, climate-change educated Edgy Mama for vice president? Come on, America, do you want moose burgers or veggie burgers? Sky-high electric bills or photovoltaic panels? Snowmobiler spouse or Enviro-spouse? Dead bloody caribou or cavorting baby polar bears?
Sarah Palin or Edgy Mama?
I’m here for you, America.
Anne Fitten “Edgy Mama” Glenn writes about a number of subjects, including parenting, at edgymama.com.