In the interest of perpetuating the late, great Ken Hanke’s tradition of complaining about pretty people being handed statues of a nude man with a sword, I’ll be here all night to comment on whatever egregious misdeeds are perpetuated by the self-congratulatory masses of the Hollywood establishment. By all means feel free to weigh in with your own comments and complaints as you see fit, but please keep it clean if at all possible.
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Is it too late to pay off the camera operator to hold on Aubrey Plaza while they’re calling out the Best Actress nominees?
Hard to believe Jimmy Kimmel is only 90.
Is this being broadcast live from the Fortress of Solitude?
Hard to believe Spielberg is only 90.
Do you think Kimmel will talk about his Man Show past in reference to Weinstein?
I hear he’s got the trampolines lined up out back and he’s gonna pull a Kaufman milk-and-cookies on the audience at the end of the show.
The next Asheville pastry stout — Kaufman’s Milk and Cookie Surprise
Good to see Noah Baumbach getting out of the house.
His girlfriend made him come
Auughhhhhh I really wished they’d just run the clip of Harrelson spitting out blood.
Look at that smirk on Sam Rockwell’s face…
“Was I in that movie?”
Damn, he’s still doing Chuck Barris, huh?
Hammer and Godot are gonna fight, right?
I’m waiting…
Rolex has got some big names shilling for them this year. Wonder what the gift bags look like?
It’s a bag of Scorsese’s old inhalers, right?
Stunning. You wear a muppet on your face and win an award now?
Darkest Hour takes Best Makeup, to absolutely no one’s surprise
Phantom Thread was obviously a lock for Costume Design. I’m not completely sure why there were other nominees this year.
I wish Laura Dern could’ve gotten nominated for Twin Peaks
Me too. Also was she holding a glock in that slow mo shot?
Rockwell’s inheriting that Christopher Walken disease where you don’t lose your hair but it just dries out and starts to look like one of those tiny cinnamon brooms they sell in Cracker Barrel gift shops.
AGNES VARDA WAS ROBBED!!!!!
EVERY year.
Agnes Varda is gonna mess Shit up on that jet ski.
Ooooo a tribute to movies! I LOVE movies!
I didn’t know you liked movies — we should hang out
You like movies?! Movies are awesome!
Tell that to Death Wish
I DID.
Really glad they found a way to stick PJ’s King Kong into a montage.
That shot from SE7EN – subtle jab at Spacey?
I hope every ceremony from now on makes a reference to LA LA LAND not winning best picture. People need to remember.
Spike Lee should be rocking at least 4 directing Oscars by now.
Which 4?
Lotta velvet tuxes going on tonight. Not happy with this.
Somebody tell Ansel Elgort that people literally change their names all the time.
Ansel Elgort is the white Chris Pine.
If getting an Oscar is all it takes for Nolan to keep making shorter movies then I’m all for it.
See above.
Dunkirk
Hang onto your dreams
“The award for best flying car goes to…”
Blade Runner for the flying Peugeot
Wasn’t Big Sick about the inventor of the flying car?
WAIT they gave an award to Charles Burnett and I MISSED IT??
Lifetime Achievement award, I think its later on tonight.
“You got any pot?”
Spielberg never brings his own pot…
I’m stealing “white Chris Pine” just so everyone’s aware.
“What’s this table made of?” “White Chris Pine.”
The Shape of Production
Design
Seriously. LOOK AT ALL THE VELVET TUXEDOS.
Does that mean Coming to America has a reboot coming out?
Just checked IMDb. Chazelle set to direct.
So it’s going to be a musical?
Starring Fred Armisen.
I actually might watch that
And the award for imitating Jean-Pierre Jeunet’s production design goes to… Shape of Water!
Got a late start but finally caught up! So far the only award I had an opinion on was Supporting Actor. I was rooting for Woody, but Sam Rockwell is a good choice, too.
Was Rita Moreno’s 1962 dress altered by Reynolds Woodcock?
I think she’s wearing T’Challa’s necklace?
She won it in one of those Wakandan waterfall fights
I had forgotten what a strong category Best Foreign Language Film was this year, but I agree that A Fantastic Woman was a fantastic choice.
Who was the editing intern that insisted on sticking The Year of Living Dangerously into this montage?
You think they’re going to give Supporting Actress to Laurie Metcalf just to push the Rosanne reboot?
STAY TUNED FOR THE TRAILER STARRING OSCAR-NOMINATED LAURIE METCALF.
“THEY’RE BACK”
Classics really do hold up.
If she stops now that’s the best speech of the night.
Damn.
I actually really agree with Janey taking this one.
Oh absolutely.
9-year-old “Jimmy” doesn’t look excited at all.
The most excited I’ve heard the crowd that I’m watching with? BB-8 presenting Best Animated Short.
I sincerely wish I didn’t…
Remember when Kobe Bryant won an academy award?
And Kobe Bryant wins something for the first time ever…
You know, why would you give the Animated Film award to the only oil painted feature in history when you have a Pixar movie?
I’m pretty sure the award was for pulling that OLAF short film from the print. People REALLY hated that one.
Yeah…*sigh* The last few Disney/Pixar features disappointed me, so I haven’t even seen Coco yet. Or any of the nominees besides Loving Vincent, though I have a feeling Breadwinner would’ve also been a deserving winner.
Why is Michael Showalter at the Oscars?
Hey it’s the most annoying song of the year!
Sufjan got that South Beach Beetlejuice jacket 👌
Hard to believe Eddie Vedder is only 90.
Tom Holland is the white Ensel Elgort.
Tom Holland is the white Spider Man
Blade Runner takes an award. Nerd rage abated?
Did McConaughey show up late because his Lincoln broke down?
Edit a photo montage of all the people you want to thank
Well put
Thanks!
If these dorks all marched in and interrupted me while I was watching a movie I’d be SO MAD.
Even Emily Blunt?
I’d actually make an exception for the cast of EDGE OF TOMORROW.
On the one hand, the stunt will probably be fun for those involved, but leaps to mind as one of the things they could easily cut for time.
I wonder how much Sour Patch Kids had to pay to get featured in those candy baskets?
I hate this. People throwing things in front of movie screens makes me so nervous.
JUST GET THESE TWO TO HOST NEXT YEAR.
Sold.
AMEN!
One of the Chicago Tribune columnists today ran a list of 10 women who would make great hosts (Oprah, of course, was #1).
Can you host when you’re President? Does Vice President Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson have to fill in while she’s gone?
Did not see Silent Child winning, but I’m not opposed
Does Chappelle know real life is already in 3D?
But is it in IMAX?
I mean, it’s a pretty big room…
2017 was the RPX of real life…
Will they let Rose McGowan into this montage?
I guess Kumail Nanjiani is officially out of the dog house?
Appears so.
Is it wrong that I can never see Geena Davis without thinking of Transylvania 6-5000?
I picture her with a gigantic pterodactyl face and her eyes at the back of her tongue.
I take it back. Let them have their velvet jackets if this is the alternative.
DID JAMES IVORY JUST DROP HIS AWARD?
No, he gave it to its rightful owners —Scott Frank, Michael Green, and James Mangold
I wanted it so badly but that would’ve been pretty surreal.
Woo hoo!
Roger do your impression of the Coen laugh.
Roger Deakins is the coolest-looking guy in the room.
Except for the Trumpian hair moment…
Glad to see Deakins take Best Cinematography for Blade Runner. Seemed like an obvious choice to me, but that usually means it’s an impossibility when it comes to the Academy.
I just like saying “Desplat.”
And the Oscar for category Scott least cares about goes to Best Song!
That was smoke break time.
And now please welcome: Jennifer Garner?
Didn’t she win an Oscar for her Capital One commercials?
It’s hard to believe the Oscars Memorial Segment is only 90
Couldn’t afford the clip of Moreau doing the choo choo train trick, huh?
Pardon me boys, is that the Jeanne Moreau Choo Choo?
And the award for Best Director goes to — Alejandro Jodorowsky for Endless Poetry!
Del Toro really should’ve thanked Keegan-Michael Key.
Ouch!
THE MUPPETS TAKE THE OSCARS.
A famous white British dude wins an award for playing a famous white British dude? ? Now I’ve seen everything…
How bonkers would it have been if he’d worn his Churchill mask onstage?
They should’ve put a miniature version on the statuette
Not even a farewell award for Day-Lewis?
Not until his next retirement
Hey it’s that girl from JOY!
I don’t 100% agree with ya on yer police work there, Chief Willoughby
Fun fact — Frances McDormand bought pilsners at Bruisn’ Ales, where I worked all day, and both she and Sam Rockwell are members of The Prospect, where I’m currently typing this. Coincidence?
Yes. I think so.
I sold Joel a ticket to Masculin Feminin about fourteen years ago. And now look!
We put the Magic Touch on them. You’re welcome, talented people. You’re welcome.
It’s almost over, right?
Is there still time to vote for FREE FIRE just for kicks?
Wow. Did not see that coming.
Weirdest Best Picture ever?
I mean, I guess showing Paddington’s mom masturbating in the first act wins awards? Don’t ask me, I just work here…
Fantastic!
(It seems like just a few years ago The Post would have been a shoo-in.)
The Post was easily the worst movie in this category. So yes, it would’ve won most years
Well, I guess that does it for this year’s Oscars coverage. I have to say that I was disappointed that Three Billboards Didn’t take Best Picture, but maybe I’m more disappointed that J. Arthur’s didn’t take Best Restaurant in a Feature Film. Thank you to everyone for joining the conversation, and I hope to see you all here again next year.
Thank you for hosting!
Disappointed? Why? It’s a terrible and trite film.