Editor’s note: The following story is part of Xpress’ annual Humor Issue. None of the events reported on in the article are real. This is a satirical piece that is not meant to be taken seriously. Happy New Year.
The Asheville craft beverage community added yet another accolade this week with its latest gold medal from the annual Great American Beer Festival (GABF) in Denver. But less than 24 hours later, that euphoria morphed into infamy as the city became the first brew scene to have an award rescinded.
The champ/culprit is fledgling Mom & Pop Beer Co., which opened in July at the former Hot Spot convenience store on the corner of Hilliard and Ashland avenues.
When Tropical Storm Helene hit, brewer/owner Finn Sharkey’s new neighborhood taproom became a haven for the community, pouring pints at steep discounts until his supplies ran out. Not wanting to lose momentum with GABF looming, yet lacking the funds to secure enough potable water to brew another batch, he threw caution to the wind. When nonpotable water returned to downtown taps in mid-October, Sharkey used it to resume operations.
He named his creation True Brown Ale and shipped the required quantity to the Brewers Association in Denver for entry in the competition. The beer was a hit with the judges of the American-Style Brown Ale category, who awarded it top honors for its “unusually smooth flavor profile” and “aromas we’ve never encountered before.”
However, following a night of vomiting, diarrhea and what one judge described as “some of the trippiest hallucinations I’ve had since college,” the panel reconvened — over Zoom from their respective sickbeds — and requested that tests be conducted on Brown Ale entries. The lab results for True Brown Ale came back with what technicians referred to as “obscene levels” of bacteria, chemicals and heavy metals. Sharkey was then informed of the findings and asked to return his medal.
Back in Asheville, the brewer claims he’s “learned [his] lesson” and will “stick to the good stuff” from now on. Nevertheless, the Brewers Association recommends exercising great caution when visiting Mom & Pop, “unless you want to experience what cheap LSD is like.”
Slice and dice
Since 2011, locals and tourists alike have provided consistent comedy by attempting to pronounce Cúrate.
But in honor of its 15th anniversary this spring, the Button Meana Group has, in its words, “fessed up,” admitted that “the right way” to say the award-winning Spanish tapas restaurant’s name is “karate” and will be pivoting to Asian cuisine.
“We had a good run,” says chef Katie Button. “But the longer you’re in this business, the easier you want things to be. And we just can’t handle that damn accented ‘u’ any longer.”
She adds that her waitstaff, business partners “and the community at large” were relieved when they heard the news. And that the balancing act of dual pronunciations when “one is so much more fun to say than the other” was starting to eat away at her employees.
“The pool for when ownership would give up the ghost had gotten ridiculous,” says longtime server Waylon Onion with a weary laugh. “Ughh, why didn’t I bet on 15 years? It’s so obvious. Stupid, stupid, stupid.”
After a few deep breaths, Onion continues, “At least we finally get to wear gis and belts and show off our moves.”
Button notes that she’s looking forward to strengthening ties with her Japanese suppliers and “taking sushi to places we’ve never dreamed.” In turn, don’t be surprised if some Appalachian food traditions seep into the menu, further distancing the restaurant from its peers.
Wicked expensive
A local food truck set a new world record last week when its lobster roll hit $35.
Already the butt of jokes in such Facebook groups as Asheville Foodie Community and West Asheville Exchange (WAX) for its lobster roll’s previous $25 price tag, Marky Mark’s Schmuck Truck nevertheless routinely attracts long lines hours before opening.
“Who are these people?” asked WAX member Paula Winklevoss back in June after a photo of the Schmuck Truck menu went viral. “A bunch of homesick Massholes with money burning holes in their pockets?”
Subsequent replies ranged from “It’s just canned lobster” and “I don’t trust that butter” to “They’re actually really tasty,” and even attracted reclusive Schmuck Truck owner Mark Mahlberg, who posted, “You wanna fly up to the hahbuh and get one there? Be my guest. #Celtics #RedSox #Bruins #Patriots.”
Fast-forward to last Friday when a photo of the day’s menu appeared in the Asheville Foodie Community feed with the new price. An official adjudicator from Guinness World Records was promptly summoned and verified that the amount indeed topped the previous record of $31 set by Charlotte-based Taste of Worcester food truck in 2022.
Panic ensued on social media amid the daily dozens of posts inquiring why traffic has been so bad lately, and the Schmuck Truck’s supply of lobster rolls sold out within 45 minutes.
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