Letter: Signs of the times

Posted on by Letters
Graphic by Lori Deaton

Brothers and sisters in America, we have herds of deer grazing in our front yards, hordes of people stampeding toward Asheville, potholed freeways are in gridlock, wild hogs are closing in on downtown Raleigh and the Antichrist has taken over Washington.

Rivers of molten rock are paving over our 50th state inch by inch, and, unbelievably, we’ve somehow managed to piss off the most hospitable, laid-back folks on Earth, the Canadians. The Canadians! We’re separating mothers from their children and confining them in gulags spread across Texas, a friendly foreign country like our ally, Russia. It’s only a matter of time until the French ask for their statue back, and we’ll embargo their wine in return.

What’s next? Is the red planet going to crash into us? Not to go all Revelations or Jeremiah on you, but just because Denzel Washington isn’t roaming an apocalyptic landscape that used to be Western North Carolina with a 12-gauge pump or we’re not warming ourselves over piles of garbage and chasing rats doesn’t mean that the end isn’t near. Unless there’s a blood moon or solar eclipse, which happens a lot these days, you can see it coming from the top of Mount Pisgah, since acid rain has stripped all the trees. Also, I got a parking ticket today.

— Milton Ready
Tryon

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6 thoughts on “Letter: Signs of the times”

  3. jason

    That sucks about your parking ticket. They usually throw the first one out for you.

  4. Lulz

    LOL shouldn’t we forgive student loans that put them in debt for decades? For nothing of value except for retired college professors to tell us how bad they have it? Sorry about your parking ticket too. But with all the swindled money from guaranteed loans, I’m sure you can afford it.

  5. Michele

    Thx for the laugh. Maybe it will be better for us when Space Force arrives. Or as some clever person labeled It: To insanity & beyond by putting someone’s face on Buzz Lightyear’s body.

  6. Stan Hawkins

    Well then, I suppose we could all just move to Chicago, Detroit, and Baltimore and relish in the success of the grand liberal experiment as we wait anxiously for that fabulous day. Amen.

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