Letter: Signs of the times

Graphic by Lori Deaton

Brothers and sisters in America, we have herds of deer grazing in our front yards, hordes of people stampeding toward Asheville, potholed freeways are in gridlock, wild hogs are closing in on downtown Raleigh and the Antichrist has taken over Washington.

Rivers of molten rock are paving over our 50th state inch by inch, and, unbelievably, we’ve somehow managed to piss off the most hospitable, laid-back folks on Earth, the Canadians. The Canadians! We’re separating mothers from their children and confining them in gulags spread across Texas, a friendly foreign country like our ally, Russia. It’s only a matter of time until the French ask for their statue back, and we’ll embargo their wine in return.

What’s next? Is the red planet going to crash into us? Not to go all Revelations or Jeremiah on you, but just because Denzel Washington isn’t roaming an apocalyptic landscape that used to be Western North Carolina with a 12-gauge pump or we’re not warming ourselves over piles of garbage and chasing rats doesn’t mean that the end isn’t near. Unless there’s a blood moon or solar eclipse, which happens a lot these days, you can see it coming from the top of Mount Pisgah, since acid rain has stripped all the trees. Also, I got a parking ticket today.

— Milton Ready


Thanks for reading through to the end…

We share your inclination to get the whole story. For the past 25 years, Xpress has been committed to in-depth, balanced reporting about the greater Asheville area. We want everyone to have access to our stories. That’s a big part of why we've never charged for the paper or put up a paywall.

We’re pretty sure that you know journalism faces big challenges these days. Advertising no longer pays the whole cost. Media outlets around the country are asking their readers to chip in. Xpress needs help, too. We hope you’ll consider signing up to be a member of Xpress. For as little as $5 a month — the cost of a craft beer or kombucha — you can help keep local journalism strong. It only takes a moment.

About Letters
We want to hear from you! Send your letters and commentary to letters@mountainx.com

Before you comment

The comments section is here to provide a platform for civil dialogue on the issues we face together as a local community. Xpress is committed to offering this platform for all voices, but when the tone of the discussion gets nasty or strays off topic, we believe many people choose not to participate. Xpress editors are determined to moderate comments to ensure a constructive interchange is maintained. All comments judged not to be in keeping with the spirit of civil discourse will be removed and repeat violators will be banned. See here for our terms of service. Thank you for being part of this effort to promote respectful discussion.

6 thoughts on “Letter: Signs of the times

  1. jason

    That sucks about your parking ticket. They usually throw the first one out for you.

  2. Lulz

    LOL shouldn’t we forgive student loans that put them in debt for decades? For nothing of value except for retired college professors to tell us how bad they have it? Sorry about your parking ticket too. But with all the swindled money from guaranteed loans, I’m sure you can afford it.

  3. Michele

    Thx for the laugh. Maybe it will be better for us when Space Force arrives. Or as some clever person labeled It: To insanity & beyond by putting someone’s face on Buzz Lightyear’s body.

  4. Stan Hawkins

    Well then, I suppose we could all just move to Chicago, Detroit, and Baltimore and relish in the success of the grand liberal experiment as we wait anxiously for that fabulous day. Amen.

Leave a Reply

To leave a reply you may Login with your Mountain Xpress account, connect socially or enter your name and e-mail. Your e-mail address will not be published. All fields are required.