New year, new edition of “Best Medicine.” But this year, we’re sticking to our resolutions, damn it. No more midnight doughnut trains (don’t ask). No more skipping the gym in lieu of a 12-hour “Love Island Australia” binge. No more forgetting to brush my teeth for 45 nights in a row until they rot and one falls out and I swallow it.
No, no, no — 2025 is all about noon broccoli trains, 12-hour squat fests and not swallowing teeth. It’s going to be a year for the books.
Ringing in this totally noncursed year with me is local comedy legend Hilliary Begley, known for her role in the Netflix film “Dumplin’.” Joining her is the very talented Evelyn Pekarek and her trusty sidekick Tater Tot, a dog who never skips leg day. And finally, one of my personal favorite Marion-based stand-up comedians (actually maybe the only Marion-based stand-up comedian), Jason Reel.
Cayla: In honor of Xpress‘ annual Wellness Issues, I figured we could kick things off by sharing a personal wellness-based resolution. I’ve already shared three of mine, but I’ll get us started by including one more for posterity’s sake.
Cayla: As we all know, the water in Asheville is forever tainted by turbidity and lead. We can’t trust anyone, let alone our local government. They say, “The water is potable,” and what they really mean, of course, is, “We don’t care if you live or die.” Well, government, the joke’s on you. This year, I vow to drink anything other than water — not one drop of poison H2O will touch these shriveled lips, you can bet your hiney on it. Instead, I’ll be observing Warm Milk Mondays, Tonic Tuesdays, Welch’s Wednesdays, Thai Iced Tea Thursdays, Fanta Fridays, Slurpee Saturdays and Strawberry Shake Sundays. I’ll be so shredded and pure by 2026 that you’ll hardly recognize me. I’ll be a poster child of better living through beverages.*
Hilliary: Cayla, gross.
Cayla: What’s gross, Hillary, is that there’s birth control in the water. And I somehow still managed to get pregnant.
Hilliary: Oh, girlfriend. You’re so misguided in every way.
Personally, I HATE New Year’s resolutions. This year, I decided to make the process feel a little more magical. I wrote down 13 different goals I wanted to accomplish in 2025, folded each one and placed them in a jar. For the last 13 nights of December, I randomly picked one goal and burned it without looking. The idea was that the last goal remaining on New Year’s Eve would be the one I’d focus on for the year.
In true universe fashion, the one that remained was my least favorite. I didn’t pull: lose weight, read more books or finally film my special. Nope — the last one standing was PAY ALL DEBTS!
So, come to my shows and tip me heavy, y’all!
Jason: You know what they say, Hilliary.
Hilliary: What’s that?
Jason: “A comedian attempting to pay his debt with a comedian’s tips is a comedian in severe denial.”
Paying off debt is for the weak. This year I’m back to what really matters — balance. I’m hitting the gym four days a week and slurping down an ice-cold zero-sugar Dr. Pepper right after and maybe adding some fries into the mix. But seeing as I am more health conscious, I’ll probably use some pink Himalayan salt. Some people might say adding salt to Burger King fries is excessive, but if it’s Himalayan salt, it actually cancels out the saturated fats and carbs. Life is all about taking the good with the bad, and I’ll be taking both through the same entrance — my mouth.
Evelyn: Speaking of mouths and things entering them, this year, my New Year’s resolution is to finally break free from my love affair with Little Debbie. Let’s face it, my “snack-cake diet” isn’t earning me any awards, unless it’s “Most Likely to Appear in a Snack Food Commercial.” Picture me in a bad rom-com, standing in front of my pantry and saying, “Debbie, it’s not you, it’s the 17 boxes of snack cakes stuffed under my bed!”
Hilliary: You can afford 17 boxes of Little Debbies? In this economy?
Evelyn: Most of them expired in the ’90s. Instead of curling up with a box of Cosmic Brownies during my Netflix marathons, I’m venturing into the uncharted territory of healthy eating. Apparently, this includes things like quinoa and chia seeds — neither of which taste as good as their names might suggest. My mental health journey is about finding inner peace, but let’s be real, it’s hard to meditate when all I can think about is how much I miss the sweet embrace of a Nutty Buddy.
So, here’s the plan: For every veggie I eat, I’ll reward myself with a single gummy bear. Because if I can’t enjoy life while attempting to be healthy, then what’s the point? Here’s to 2025 — whether I become a Zen master with a side of kale or just a very confused rabbit on an endless snack cake quest.
Cayla: Speaking of being a kale-laden Zen master, Asheville is known for its unique blend of wellness trends, from cleanliness-free sound baths to yoga with emotionally stunted goats. If you had the opportunity to dream up the next big Asheville health craze, what would it be?
Hilliary: Hands down I will always say laughter is the best medicine. I’d like to start a laughing yoga meditation group. You sit in a circle and each person fake laughs until everyone is laughing in a full-on roar. Or mix that with bungee cord exercises, and we’d all be elevated!
Jason: Asheville is already a pretty healthy place, but there’s always room for improvement. Sure, we’ve got kombucha on tap, yoga studios on every corner and more vegan bakeries than you can shake a gluten-free breadstick at, but let’s talk about the glaring vitamin deficiency we all seem to be ignoring: vitamin D. I mean, have you seen how pale we get in the winter? It’s disgusting. At some point, we stop looking like a vibrant mountain community and start resembling a colony of well-dressed tuberculosis sufferers.
Clearly, the solution is simple: shorts year-round. Who needs pants anyway? They’re just leg prisons holding us back from soaking in the sweet rays of the sun. And while we’re at it, let’s ditch the shoes too. Sure, we might pick up a few hookworms, but let’s be honest — hookworms are just nature’s way of saying, “Congrats on achieving maximum vitamin efficiency!” Plus, barefoot is totally on-brand for Asheville. Think of it as grounding but less stupid.
Evelyn: I’m not sure about Asheville lacking any D, Jason, but I do have a couple of ideas for some fun new health craze classes that could really shake things up.
First up, we’ve got Synchronized Snorting. Picture this: teams of participants performing synchronized exercises while snorting like pigs. Points are awarded for creativity and for how many people manage to keep a straight face. Spoiler alert: no one does. It’s fitness with a side of farmyard flair!
Next, and this is something I think we’d all secretly love to teach, is Stand-Up Stretching.
Hilliary: Wait, you literally stole my idea, Evelyn.
Evelyn: I don’t know what you’re talking about. It’s a yoga class, but with a twist — it’s led by a comedian who cracks jokes while guiding you through stretches. Imagine going from child’s pose to laughing so hard you fall over. It’s basically therapy, fitness and open mic night rolled into one sweaty, hilarious package. And it’s nothing like the laughter meditation group Hilliary proposed. Nothing like it. Who’s signing up?
Cayla: No one, Evelyn; no one is signing up. But we love you.
Cayla: Asheville has always been a hotbed for health and healing — or at least a place people ran to when they needed a breather (literally). Back in the early 1900s, it became the go-to wellness retreat, especially for folks with tuberculosis. Apparently, our crisp mountain air and temperate climate were the original cure-all — kind of like raw, unfiltered milk, but with fewer side effects. And hey, people still swear by that fresh mountain air today. How has your life changed for the better since moving to the area? In what ways has WNC healed you?
Evelyn: The vibrant art scene and eclectic locals have helped me discover my inner artist, even if my “masterpieces” look more like a toddler’s finger painting. I walk through the colorful streets feeling as special as a unicorn in a field of daisies, knowing that in Asheville, being unique is the ultimate badge of honor. So here’s to me, the newly awakened Asheville version of myself, who celebrates every day like it’s a quirky festival of joy — complete with spontaneous dance parties in my living room and a newfound love for kale that I’ll never fully understand.
Cayla: I’m sorry, kale is not it. So fibrous, so jagged, like eating torn-up cereal boxes. Asheville hasn’t turned me into a kale lover, but if you’ll allow me to get serious and sentimental for a moment — I don’t think I would’ve found my way back to sobriety had I not randomly landed here four years ago. The recovery community in Asheville is robust and special. I felt like I was truly embraced for who I was, struggles and all, and I was never shamed or made to feel like a mess-up during the year or so I chronically relapsed every three months like clockwork. And because I’m sober, I’ve been able to heal other parts of myself. I owe so much to this community. Truly.
Jason: Western North Carolina has been home my entire life. It’s one of the most beautiful places in the country. It has so much diversity in culture, language and people that I don’t think most places offer. Whenever I get down, I just look at the mountains or listen to the folks around me tell stories about how life was 50 years ago. That’s a pretty good cure for the blues.
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