COVIDtown Crier: May 27, 2020

“Why are they publishing this Crier rubbish?” you may be asking. We certainly are. The rest of this edition of Mountain Xpress can’t help but show the tough times WNC is facing. Here’s one little spot in the paper where we offer a bit of levity, to possibly brighten someone’s day, poking a bit of fun at the outrageousness of it all.

How to outsmart a bully (local edition)

With law-abiders being harassed by mask-shunners for following BuncombeCounty’s requirement to wear face coverings at all commercial establish- ments, officials have devised a list of retorts for use by those complying with the new decree.

During a press conference Tuesday, interim health director Dr. Jennifer Mullendore described the suggested responses as “designed to preserve your health, so you can stay alive like the brothers Gibb, while making the aggressor think about his or her
actions, a la Aretha Franklin.” Below is the department’s list of approved phrases.Use while listening to Mullendore’s “COVID Comfort” Spotify playlist — and carrying a big stick.

  • “Do you kiss your immune-compromised mother with that mouth?”
  • “I just ate at Rise ‘n Shine Café, and my face is a mess!”
  • “I’m getting into character for Bane:The Musical.”
  • “Reckon you won’t be joining my gang for this here railroad heist.”
  • “I’m late for my ‘MaskedSinger’ audition at Harrah’s!”
  • “You don’t like my birthmark?”
  • “I’m just doing this to own the Libs.”
  • “I know where there’s toilet paper.”

Commissioner Robert Pressley, in an effort to “level the racetrack,” released his own set of recommended phrases for non-mask-wearers, thus clarifying his position that noncompliance is constitutionally protected protest.

  • “Four score and seven days ago, I didn’t have to wear this crap.”
  • “Don’t tread on my face.”
  • “Mine eyes have seen the glory of a robust economy.”
  • “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free — without this damn face mask.”
  • “We may think of freedom as the right to do as we please.”
  • “Our obligations to our country never cease but with our convenience.”
  • “Doing things for other people’s benefit is the last refuge of the scoundrel.”
  • “O say can you see … my face?”
  • “Live free or die — of COVID.”
  • “Ask not what I can do for my country, ask: Isn’t this probably a conspiracy?”

Thanks for reading through to the end…

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