Recently, the N.C. Court of Appeals issued an order to stop the further dismantling of the Vance Monument while the court begins a interminable battle between the city of Asheville and the Civil War preservationists as to who cast the first stone.
What a great opportunity for Asheville and the Chamber of Commerce to pronounce Asheville as Rock City, N.C., in competition with Rock City, Tenn.
Just drive up Patton Avenue to Granite Gulch, now known as Rocky Top.
We could have an authentic rock concert where people will get so stoned that they won’t even remember who Zeblum Bear Vunce was.
We could be entertained by a local group known as the Rock Pack. Chubby Checker could sing “Rock Around the Block,” and the Flintstones could lead the annual Pebbles parade pushing their little nuggets in perambulators, just like we did during the Rhododendron Festival many years ago.
High school and college graduations will celebrate here, wearing real mortarboards.
Until this matter is settled, there are so many uses for the stones. One could be put at the intersection of Patton and Biltmore avenues and be known as the Corner Stone. One could be moved behind the courthouse at the detention center and be dedicated as the Jailhouse Rock.
Local artists could paint pictures of beautiful smiling children on some of them, and they would be known as Precious Stones. Graffiti artists could splatter their toxic paint all over their adopted “pet rock.”
For people of faith, we could have the Ten Commandments engraved on the face of one of these rocks.
I am sure that some astute restaurant owner will immediately open a Hard Rock Café featuring Paul Masonry wine, and street vendors will hawk rock candy.
City Council could use that $80,000 consulting money to plant flowers and trees in an authentic rock garden enhanced with rocking chairs for our elderly citizens and the stoners.
Of course, any effort to rename the Jackson Building the Stonewall Jackson Building will be immediately quashed for political incorrectness.
The important thing is to keep this display of the massive stones interesting, so it will be important to move the boulders around occasionally and make sure we leave no stone unturned.
— Jerry Sternberg
Editor’s note: Since this letter was submitted, the stones have indeed been moved around — out of Pack Square — though the city did not disclose their new storage location, according to a report from WLOS.