(HUMOR) Xpressers almanac: What will 2020 bring?

Sinkhole as golf hole
HOLE IN FUN: The Asheville sinkhole gains new life as part of the Country Club of Asheville golf course.

Fake news balloonEditor’s note: The following story, unlike the rest of Mountain Xpress’s award-winning coverage of local news and events throughout the rest of the year, is 100% fake.

Top 10 Asheville-area conspiracy theories that will gain traction in 2020

  1. Former City Council member Jan Davis is moonlighting as the Montford tire slasher to drum up new business.
  2. Brevard’s white squirrels are just regular squirrels forced to visit tiny salons for dye jobs, all part of a marketing ploy by the Transylvania County TDA.
  3. Brian Haynes is really leaving City Council to become a superhero: Bluntman.
  4. The Woodfin Sewer and Water District is made up of salamander people in disguise. Think about it.
  5. Indicted Buncombe County Commissioner Ellen Frost is running a horse-smuggling ring out of the Asheville Pizza Co. basement.
  6. Firestorm Books & Coffee is secretly a capitalist enterprise run by a fabulously lucrative private equity venture.
  7. Register of Deeds Drew Reisinger is hiring local Ukrainian immigrants to rig his reelection.
  8. Three-legged bears are getting peglegs and taking up a life of piracy on the French Broad.
  9. The city of Asheville’s walled-off, 23,000-acre water reservoir preserve is used as a breeding ground for a clone army of future Asheville city workers. Assistant City Manager Cathy Ball, considered the genetically perfect government employee, is the main source for DNA.
  10. Flat Asheville — all the mountains are an illusion, man.

Top five sneaky ways hotels will get past Asheville City Council moratorium

  1. Brian Haynes as Bluntman
    NEVER FEAR: Brian Haynes reveals his true reason for leaving Asheville City Council.

    It’s a brewery you can sleep in!

  2. Pet resorts. Board your pet, bring your human for free.
  3. Declare a religious exemption as temples to Hypnos, son of Nyx and Erebus, brother of Thanatos, Greek god of sleep.
  4. Book the Wortham Center for the Performing Arts for an extended run of a “participatory public performance art piece.” Tickets are $325 and include an overnight stay.
  5. Just suck it up and bribe city planners the good old-fashioned way.

Top five schemes of independent store owners to combat Amazon

  1. Offer free shipping, but only along Pubcycle routes.
  2. Hire street corner poets to write five-star product reviews. “My name is Bert / I love this shirt / I think that you / will love it too. — 5 stars”
  3. Bear blockades at UPS hubs.
  4. Door-to-door shopping Sherpas.
  5. Start selling cheap plastic crap that no one needs.

Top 10 complaints of Asheville’s gentry

  1. Energy of high tea brought down by CBD infusion.
  2. Homeless in Pritchard Park keep disturbing croquet wickets.
  3. Terrible horse-drawn buggy traffic.
  4. Bridesmaids keep photobombing the daguerreotypes.
  5. Unhoused residents keep trying to move into Grove Park Inn gingerbread display.
  6. Shortage of dirigible parking in Arras garage.
  7. Surly service-industry millennials: They spit in your Courvoisier, never say thank you and still want a ha’penny for their trouble.
  8. Subpar wax cylinder collection on offer at Harvest Records.
  9. City noise ordinance grants no relief from raucous string quartet concerts at Biltmore House.
  10. Delay at station for next train to Raleigh now approaching 50 years.

Top five uses for the Asheville sinkhole

  1. Connect to the Country Club of Asheville golf course for world’s easiest hole-in-one.
  2. Syringe disposal — out of sight, out of mind. Not on the sidewalk or in anyone’s backyard!
  3. E-scooter test track.
  4. Wait for moss to grow and call it a greenway.
  5. Really, really deep meditation center.

Top five Asheville scams to watch out for in 2020

  1. “Brunch.”
  2. BOGOTBB: Buy one, get one taken back by Bigfoot.
  3. Kraft beer singles.
  4. Banjo Muzak.
  5. The Buncombe County Tourism Development Authority.

Top 10 creative panhandler pitches

  1. “I work for Mountain Xpress.”
  2. “Orange Peel service charges went up again.”
  3. “If you give me a dollar, I won’t sing ‘Wagon Wheel.’”
  4. “I’ll hold your spot in line at Biscuit Head.”
  5. “Now accepting Venmo.”
  6. “I promise not to gender you.”
  7. “Would you help a veteran of the war on Christmas?”
  8. “All contributions will be matched by the Dogwood Health Trust.”
  9. “I just need 56,481 more individual donors to qualify for the next Democratic presidential debate!”
  10. “This book is for you, dude. No really, I don’t want anything for it. I just want people to read again.”

Top five Asheville media phenomena

  1. Bidet-ly Planet
    TOILET PAPER: A reader enjoys the newly revised Bidet-ly Planet.

    Citizen Times reporter John Boyle wins Mark Twain Prize for American Humor in the inaugural Dad Jokes division.

  2. Chad Nesbitt of SKYline News wins Pulitzer Prize for investigative reporting, reports Chad Nesbitt.
  3. Asheville Daily Planet gets bought by American Standard and becomes national trade magazine, The Bidet-ly Planet.
  4. Asheville Scene — now vapable.
  5. BPR spends entire tote bag budget on beard grooming products for Matt Bush.

Top five Asheville spiritual happenings in 2020

  1. Recent influx of ramen shops serves as a front for Flying Spaghetti Monster cultists.
  2. “Set Your Spirit Free” tourism campaign causes uptick in ghost activity. TDA claims Ghostbusters can’t be paid with occupancy tax under current law.
  3. Following closure of HCA wheelchair clinic, Blue Cross Blue Shield recognizes faith healers as in-network.
  4. Franklin Graham brings back “Decision America” rally to help Asheville tourists make tough restaurant choices.
  5. Crossroads at West Asheville project delayed indefinitely by stream of bluesmen seeking deals with the devil.
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