When I go on a longer drive, I'll grab a 12-pack, hide it under the seat and drink while I cruise along. It helps alleviate the boredom of the interstate. Don't judge me — I don't get sloppy drunk. Just a couple of beers an hour really takes the edge off, ya’ know?
To be honest, sometimes I will catch myself daydreaming: driving too slow in the passing lane, tailgating or changing lanes without looking and cutting off a fellow motorist. Sorry about that. It's no biggie, though.
Now that I have the attention of every cop, trucker and MADD mothers, know this: I never carry a cell phone in my car, so I'm never among the population of wavering, wandering drivers yapping away on some hugely important phone call, completely oblivious to their position in traffic. I've used a cell in the car, and it's like blackout driving; when I would hang up, I couldn't remember the period of time I was on the phone, except for the pointless conversation.
Lately, as far as I can tell, virtually every one of you (yes, including police officers) is on a cell phone while driving. So judge if you may, but if I were really rolling along drunk, statistically and functionally, I would drive safer (and more politely) than you!
— Norman Plombe