Tips on improving your listening skills

When it comes to being an active listener, there are several potential roadblocks, says Jamie Zane Brazell, owner of Out of the Woods Therapy.

One of the common obstacles, she notes, is technology. “Distractibility is high because of how our world operates with the expectations of multitasking, smartphones and all of the other devices and the massive amounts of information accessible to us at all times,” she says.

Additionally, she notes, many people struggle to hear others because they are too eager to interject and insert their views into a conversation. In other instances, she continues, especially when the conversation is about something personal, people are prone to grow defensive and shut down.

“I think of active listening as a basic skill that’s a precursor to empathic listening,” says Brazell. “So you first have to get the part down where you are staying engaged as a listener before you can get to the part where you are actively listening for the purpose of trying to understand the feelings of the other person.”

As part of Xpress’ annual Wellness Issues, we reached out to additional professionals whose education, livelihood or a combination of the two have trained them to be adept listeners. Below you’ll find their insights and advice.

Understand a person’s values 

“Listening is easier when we agree with — or like — someone, but much harder when we don’t. One trick is to stop focusing on the other person’s specific words and instead listen for the underlying values or interests they are expressing. For example, if a neighbor is screaming and yelling about where you parked, try to figure out what’s important to them. They might value easy access to their home, safety for children or respect for their view. When we listen for what’s beneath the surface message, it’s easier to understand what might be driving the other person, which can create more space for finding common ground.”

             — Laura Jeffords, executive director, The Mediation Center

Put your cellphone away 

“In a world of unlimited access to technology, with cellphones and other devices constantly at our fingertips, being fully present and able to listen can be more challenging than ever before. The mere holding of a phone or even placing it on a table while you are engaged in a conversation across from someone can leave the impression that they are not a priority. My greatest advice to becoming a better, more attentive listener in your personal and professional life is to eliminate technological distractions whenever possible. Turning off your device — or the ringer in the case of the cellphone — and putting it away when you are expected to listen, removes the potential distraction and communicates that you respect the other person and are interested in what they have to say.”

— Meredith Switzer, executive director, All Souls Counseling Center

Be curious 

“True curiosity is an essential ingredient for engaging in meaningful conversation, especially across difference. ‘Bridging conversations’ (thanks to Mónica Guzmán for that term) are rooted in curiosity and can expand our understanding, allow us to see more of each other’s humanness and maybe even find common ground. If I’m not asking genuine questions or I’ve got an agenda to change someone’s mind, I’m definitely not bringing curiosity with me into the conversation.”

— Emily Kujawa, project Manager and improvement specialist, WNC Health Network

Don’t make assumptions 

“Good listening requires empathizing with someone else’s perspective and acknowledging that this perspective is important. Or stop assuming that your conversational partner is uneducated, uncaring or ‘down a conspiracy rabbit hole.’ Instead, take a deep breath and recognize that their life experiences have brought them — and the two of you — to this exact same point in time and space. Incredible, isn’t it?”

— Vicki Garlock, author and founder of World Religions for Kids

Zone out at your own peril

Sadly, the indications of not listening don’t make themselves known until the person you’re not listening to is at least two paragraphs deep. The first of these indications is a wandering mind. Your thoughts drift to the mundane such as parking meters, potential supermarket trips or that you just noticed an oil stain on your jeans. Then comes the alarming realization that all you’ve said in response to the person speaking to you was either ‘yeah’ or ‘cool.’ More alarming still is when the person you’re supposed to be listening to references something from earlier in the one-sided conversation — a call-back, if you will — and you nod your head as if to agree that yes, of course I remember that funny, weird thing that happened to you at your office work party that you just told me about. And then, the dreadfully inevitable happens: The other person’s mouth stops moving, and they wait for the much anticipated response to their query: ‘What would you have done?’ After a couple of beats, all you can manage to say, all that you have any business saying is, ‘I mean, honestly, I just have no words.’”

— George Awad, comedian, writer and actor

Step outside your comfort zone

“True listening creates a safe and welcoming space where everyone feels valued. Sometimes, it’s as simple as slowing down our speech, rephrasing for clarity, being patient or pausing to ensure someone has the chance to fully express themselves. Other times, it’s about stepping out of our comfort zone — learning a few phrases in another language, using visual aids or taking the time to understand nonverbal. Even when we don’t fully agree with someone or can’t personally relate to their experience, we can still offer the gift of listening and find a way to appreciate their input so that everyone, regardless of their background, feels seen, heard and truly at home.”

— Paula Penovi, certified translator with Argentum Translations

We all have something in common 

“In my experience, very few conversations — no matter how challenging — fail to reveal something worthwhile. Even in opposition, there’s nearly always a spark of shared humanity or a mutual goal. If we lead with respect and a willingness to listen, we can start to bridge the divides that seem so insurmountable today.”

— Zeb Smathers, mayor of Canton