“In a time when we’re expected to challenge assumptions and teach cultural sensitivity, I want to take a moment to express my frustrations as a woman and a mother and to take this opportunity to address only a few of those stereotypes that I hear from strangers on a weekly basis.”
“If a shopper cannot part with the pet for an hour, then maybe a trip to the shrink should be the priority instead of groceries.”
“We need to change the mindset! A campaign is in order. A ‘kind driver Asheville’ sticker needs to be on every car.”
“While affordable housing is important, shoving developments through in a covert manner is not the way to present new housing solutions to the community at large.”
“Of all the forms of animal agriculture, those advocating ethical slaughter practices should probably be the first to truly have glass walls.”
“I can be trusted to clean up after my dog. It’s unfortunate that when it comes to myopia, vilification and fabrication, there’s no matching means to clean up after humans.”
“I’m getting rather tired of these self-righteous vegans who, like extremists of every stripe, think their way is the only way for everybody!”
“Big Brothers Big Sisters of WNC’s motto is ‘Start Something Big’ because of the astronomical potential that can be unlocked in young people when they have a mentor who believes in them.”
“Mark Meadows hates big government when it helps people with health problems, but he loves big government when it benefits his investments.”
“Expansion is inherently at odds with a commitment to reframing how we think about and respond to so-called ‘crime,’ which is at the heart of what will make diversion effective in the long run.”
“I backed myself up and saw it, a sign on the door reading: ‘Therapy Dogs, Emotional Support Dogs and Pets, not allowed inside per Federal/NC State Law. Thank you for your cooperation.’ Uh-oh.”
SATIRE: In a stunning turn of events, the city of Asheville’s Riverfront Redevelopment Office announced today that it has sold the former 12 Bones property on Lyman Street back to former owner Chris Peterson. Shortly after the city made its announcement, Peterson declared that the property will secede from Asheville and form its own town, “Rivergatia.”
SATIRE: In response to the growing concerns of many Asheville residents about the city’s frequent use of consultants on municipal projects, City Council hired the consultant firm Scrutinize Capital Administrative Management Inc., or SCAM, to evaluate the effectiveness of consultancies on various city initiatives.
SATIRE: Xpress takes a loving look at local media, food and politics.